The Vanderbilt Torch

The Conservative's Guide to Gainful Summer Employment

As of late, a fair share of the Torch staff has been on the Oregon Trail of summer internships, ever inching towards Portland, dropping Snake-Bitten Sarah among the buffalo when they need to.

Because your parents will likely live forever, luring your tax dollar out of Social Security until you begin to sound like the church mice in Robin Hood or a Dickens character, your inheritance will be delayed longer than you think. Thus, sadly, you must work. To find that gainful employment, however, you must sack up and work during the summer. Let me take you on a sweet journey.

The Conservative's Guide to St. Valentine's Day

A Brief History of St. Valentine’s Day: The Story of St. Valentine, The Story of American Consumerism

A while back, St. Valentine was martyred February 14. Evidently, he was martyred for events that had nothing at all to do with any kind of romance. Yes, much like Fergie’s dominance over our souls or Sly Stallone’s endorsement of John McCain, the assignation of the romantic connotation to Valentine’s Day was a completely arbitrary decision. So how did we get to where we are, in Cupid’s wind-tunnel vacuum?

The Conservative's Guide to Becoming the GOP Nominee

The Requirement
Let me begin by clarifying something: if you are not a gentleman, you are not qualified to be the president of our glorious nation. And when I use the term “gentleman,” I refer not to an elite class of men defined by honor and chivalry, I mean that women will just have to set their sights a bit lower. To put it delicately, sometimes the Constitution remarks to the Magna Carta, “I got ninety-nine problems, but a bitch ain’t one.” 

If you are a woman, don’t despair, you can certainly marry a president—or at the very least, have a torrid affair with one (For further reading, see the upcoming “The Conservative’s Guide to St. Valentine’s Day”).

Giving of Thanks: The Conservative's Guide to Thanksgiving

A Brief History
Obviously, your family line came across the Lady Atlantic on the ol’ Mayflower, because if not, you clearly wouldn’t be reading this.

Anyway, the pilgrims showed up in Massachusetts and changed the fate of the free world with their stern, stern mannerisms and their love for subject matter that would later lend itself well to films starring Winona Ryder and attractive leading men. 

Saucy Crosstalk: Democratic Debate

Hey, it’s October of the year before an election, and you all know what that means: it’s time for the 427th Democratic Primary Debate! Here’s the transcript of what went down. Keep in mind, everything here was actually said by the person saying it…not quite in this order, but whatever. That’s right…go ‘head on and break ‘em off wit’ a lil’ preview of the REMIX.

MR. RUSSERT: Good evening, and welcome. We have some big issues to talk about tonight, so let's start right now. Governor Richardson, would you make a solemn commitment to the American people that Iran will not become a nuclear power?

GOV. RICHARDSON: Are you asking me because I'm the Hispanic here?

SEN. CLINTON: Yes.

Torch Comic: Ronald Reagan! in THE NIGHT OF THE PRIUS!

Watch as Ronald Reagan! takes on La Madame, Tits Magee, an anime John Edwards and fights the DNC Hall of Doom's plan to make us all drive Priuses. Yes, Priuses. It's a full length comic and it is prepared to do things that few comics have done before.

See it here.

Presidential Profile: Hott Mitt

 Here at Torch Headquarters, Mitt Romney is fondly known as Hott Mitt. Anybody who owns that much cashmere deserves the coordinated glory of the double-double Ts. 'Hott Mitt' also encapsulates his finer attributes: the strong jaw, the perfectly tailored suits, and the wonderful Reagan Hair. It's easiest to remember like this:

Man,
I'd
Tap
That.

An acrostic poem that uncovers the true depth and breadth of the human spirit, right?

A Guide to Conservative Living

Household Decorating

A true conservative’s house bears a strong resemblance to the floor plan on a Clue board (note: conservatives use the revolver in the conservatory—plants aren’t that important). Add in a second floor, a Southern porch, and a pool house, and there’s a dream house. So let’s break it down:

The Torch Celebrates Women's History Month

Were you aware that March is women’s history month? I wasn’t either. How fortunate, then, that the Playboy crisis arrived during that time plenty, so that critical questions could be answered properly. Would women be able to form conscious thoughts and make logical decisions about posing in a somewhat vulgar publication without the loving guidance of the Women’s Center and Hustler Editorial Board? 

The answer, of course, is no. Women need someone to think for them, as the Women’s Center has charmingly reminded us. With that in mind, take a look at the first truly conservative timeline of women’s history:

The beginning- Eve. Needless to say, things don’t start out well.

Vagina Monologues Revisited

7:00- Here we are Valentine’s Day at the Vagina Monologues. Cue up the Monty Python “and there was much rejoicing.” 

7:06- It was supposed to start at seven. We all look at our phones, and then at our tickets, and then back at our phones. 

7:11- Well, we’re just sitting here, my friends and I. Yes, I have friends. We’re just a bunch of classy girls seeing the Vagina Monologues on Valentine’s Day.

7:12- No, it’s not like that! We love Valentine’s Day! Just a scheduling convenience! Lots of long-distance relationships! Boys, boys, boys!